Anxious and worried

Self portrait...

Not sure what I'd do without you in my life...

Tonight I am getting together with my two oldest friends. After nineteen years, the three of us don't see each other as much as we like. That being said, we don't have to; we remain close whether its weeks or months that go by. These two girls are definitely lifelong friends.

I'm always excited when we have the opportunity to hang out and tonight is no exception. Poker night with our husbands too. Lucky for us, the guys get along great too!

These girls are more than friends; they are family. I always know they are there for me and will always be by their sides as well. Friendships like this are so rare. But I'm not just fortunate to have one; I've been blessed with two!

Love you Yvonne and Janelle!

A Day in The Life....

Memorable event....

Going to Warped Tour each year has become quite a tradition for my husband and I. In 2011 I won a pass to meet Paramore backstage. 2012 was even better though; I got to be part of Sick of Sarah's Street Team and hang with the band the entire day.

Good music, interesting people, and spending the day like a rock star.... Definitely a memorable day!

It's the unexpected things that change our lives....

New addition to my life....

2012 had to be the most difficult year of my life. I lost identity. I had no idea who I was or what mattered in life. Literally my world was turned upside down.

I struggled immensely to find myself; I was in need of a rediscovery of how to continue. In my attempt to learn how to adjust to what life had become I stumbled across someone who helped me more than I could have guessed...

A new friend...

In my struggle to learn who I really was and how to continue each day, I surely was not looking for someone else to enter my world. I needed to get to know me, not someone else. By chance, I solicited an acquaintance to help with one new aspect; little did I know she would help me with so much more.

2012 may have been very hard; but unbeknownst to me, I found a friend to help me get through.

Thank you Wendy....

A picture is worth a thousand words...

What I live for....

A Beautiful Place to Get Lost...

I get lost a lot in books. I think anyone with a passion for reading does. Books are the ultimate escape from reality, even if brief it helps us when our own lives may be on a down turn.

The last book I got lost in was "Where All the Dead Lie" by JT Ellison. It's part of the Taylor Jackson series. I love crime novels; my undergrad degree is in criminal justice. I also love a good detective series. This book is the seventh and last as this series is now on an extended hiatus while the author pursues a new series.

When I get lost in a book such as this, I lose track of time and my surroundings. I've been known to start a book when my kids fall asleep and read until the sun comes up!

Put on Your Listening Ears...

I listen to people and noises everyday. Most of the time it's through conversations; I consider myself to be a good listener.

October 19th is the last time I listened for hours yet did not speak. That's because I was at a comedy show in DC. I have wanted to see Kathy Griffin live for years. My birthday is October 23rd so a friend of mine and my husband thought this would be a great gift!

I don't know how she does it, but Kathy was on that stage for almost three hours of improv. I completely loved the show and laughed so hard it hurt. The entire trip was fun, with this being the pinnacle.

It doesn't matter what kind of day or week you are having, a good laugh always helps!

What No One Can Take....

What I learned this year...

Most of my blogs have been a bit heavy so I decided this was the perfect opportunity to be on the lighter side...

I learned....
that piles of plowed snow are not so soft after all.
you should always wear boxing gloves when punching a bag.
roller blading isn't as easy when you are in your thirties.
life isn't dictated by what doctors tell you.
my feet aren't as big as I thought (or else they shrunk).
losing thirty pounds is extremely difficult, but gaining it back is easy.
I can actually win the cool prize in a contest.
good friendships can grow quickly, while old ones die hard.
I can cook pretty much anything just by trusting my instinct.
kids are amazing-well I already knew that but everyday it's reconfirmed.
I can get by on 3-4 hours of sleep.
writing is my greatest escape.....

Until the Day We Meet...

I've already taken my dream vacation...twice. In 2000 I was married in Hawaii and spent ten days there. In 2012 our family went, including kids; this time was 2 weeks. I love these islands more than any place in the world and I do plan on going back several more times. But for right now, I do have my sight set on a completely opposite destination; I want to go on an Alaskan Cruise.

My husband and I love taking cruises. It's the best way to "sample" potential vacation destinations. I'm not looking to sample Alaska though. I want the opportunity to see its vast beauty from a distance, including icy locations that may not be accessible by car. On a cruise I actually think you could see more than if you were on land!

This probably will not be my next vacation; my kids have their eyes set on Disney World, but for the time being its the one I picture when I dream of getting away!

PS: Definitely via Carnival! The only cruise line I use!!

Outside the Comfort Zone...

Making something new to eat...

I just so happened to receive a wok as a gift yesterday. I wanted to try it out and stir fry is a favorite in our house; to complete this assignment, however, I had to do something different. I decided to make my own stir fry sauce.

After slicing chicken, broccoli, onions and red / peppers, I heated up the wok and put a little oil in. I had a choice, either make the sauce separately or mix it in the wok that was full of veggies and chicken. I picked the latter. First I poured in soy sauce, about half a bottle. Next I pressed two garlic cloves and dropped them in. After that I added in about a tablespoon of homemade dried crushed chiles. This was followed by two cups of chicken broth. Finally, I sprinkled in a half cup of cornstarch as a thickening agent.

Both my husband and I agreed that this was the best stir fry I had ever made!!!

Make Every Moment Matter....

How my time in 2012 was divided...

Insanity is my Only Means of Relaxation...

When things get hectic, I'll be honest, I don't tend to deal very well. My coping methods are not wise to some....

To unwind, suggestions such as meditation, exercise, being alone, etc are all healthy choices. I'm not going to lie though; for me sometimes the best solution is a beer... Or maybe a margarita!

I realize that some people frown upon this, but those people aren't me. Alcohol makes me feel better plain and simple! Sometimes I drink to have fun and sometimes I drink to relax. Sometimes I drink with others and sometimes I drink alone. Sometimes I have a little bit and sometimes I have a lot... Whatever the situation, I feel I'm smart enough to not make bad decisions, so I really don't see a problem with it!

When I need to unwind, a nice cold drink gets me feeling better...

A book Can Set You Free...

This July I completed a novel that I had been working on for almost two years! Spirit of Sisterhood was inspired by the death of my friend Jeniffer, who passed away in August of 2010. I wanted a way to keep the memories of our seventeen year friendship alive; I knew immediately that writing would be the key.

The characters in this story are all based on my high school friends. The book looks back on our experiences that we shared and the relationships that we built. Although I relied on memories and a little imagination to write this, it turned out to be much more difficult to write than I ever could have thought.

Two problems stared me right in the face. The first being that I had to relive some very difficult times, which brought about a lot of emotions. The second was worrying about tarnishing Jens memory in any way.

In the end, I feel I made all the right choices when it came to creating this story. It is one of my proudest accomplishments. I know without doubt that Jen would feel the same.

Tomorrow is Never a Promise....

I've decided to deviate from the suggested blog topic as I've got some other things on my mind...

My step-grandfather passed away last night. He and my grandma have been married for 22 years. They have a very cute love story....

When my grandma was in high school, she and Norm dated. They even attended the senior prom together. After graduation, Norm joined the Army and left for the Korean War. While they tried to do the long distance thing, it didn't work out and my grandma met another Korean War vet named Ron who had completed his tour. She and Ron fell in love and had five kids, one of them being my dad!

In July 1990, my grandfather Ron passed away from heart problems. I was just ten at the time, but I still have treasured memories of him! A few months later, my grandma was out shopping and she ran into an old friend who just happened to be Norms sister. It turned out Norm was divorced; his sister thought it would be good if the two of them reconnected. They did and things were immediately like old times. On Valentines Day of 1991, they were married. My grandma even found a prom picture of the two of them and hung it in their house!

A few years ago, it was discovered that Norm had a heart condition. He was told he only had six months left to live. Years went by, then December of 2011, he was told he only had a few weeks left to live. Months went by, then in September he was told he only had days left....On December 5th, Norm passed in his sleep.

Norm waited thirty years to reconnect with the love of his life; and he wasn't going to let anyone tell him when it was time to let her go...

Today's Actions are Tomorrows Memories...

Today I spoke with three people to discuss what their greatest memories of 2012 are...

Kristyn is a twenty-three year old single mother who will forever remember her graduation from Penn Stare University this past May. With her family and friends watching, Kristyn did the one thing that many doubted she would accomplish after giving birth to her son in July 2009; earned her BA in English. Receiving her degree propelled her to tackle another feat; she started her first full time job with Blue Cross a few months later. For Kristyn, 2012 will be remembered as the year this young mother accomplished one of her biggest dreams....

Gwendolyn is a thirty-eight year old mother of three who watched her oldest daughter Emma transition from her youthful elementary student to a mature junior high schooler. So many emotions flooded Gwendolyn as she watched her board the bus that first day... The strongest being pride. Gwendolyn knew that her daughter was intelligent, beautiful, headstrong... And so much more. There was no doubt this new journey would prove to be another success story. Combined with this event, Gwendolyn also had the opportunity to see Emma play competitive ice hockey for the first time. Watching Emma be able to do something she loved and do it well, Gwendolyn felt incredibly blessed. For Gwendolyn, 2012 will be remembered as the year she realized that every sacrifice made for her children was absolutely, with a doubt, worth it....

Earl is a thirty-four year old father of two who embarked on the trip of a lifetime this year. In March, Earl, along with his wife, two daughters, parents and sister, flew to the exquisite tropics of the Hawaiian Islands. Being with the most important people in his life at the most beautiful place in the world was an absolute two weeks of bliss for him. While Earl and most of his family had been to Hawaii before, the icing on the cake of this breathtaking journey was that his two young daughters were getting to enjoy the experience of a lifetime. For Earl, 2012 will be remembered as the year he introduced his daughters to his dreams....

Heads or Tails...

What's the wisest decision I made all year? That's tough. Often the outcome of a decision is not fully known for quite some time... The ripple effect can go on for days...weeks....months...even years. It's quite possible that the full extent is never fully perceived....

Because of this, I've got to go with a decision that provided immediate rewards. My oldest daughter is in first grade. At the onset of the school year, her teacher requested parents to volunteer to help out in the classroom. Prior to this year, I had always had a full time job that kept me from being involved in this area. I contemplated whether to get involved as I already had a lot going on in my personal life and wasn't sure if I'd be able to find time to get involved. I wasn't even sure if mentally this would be something I could accomplish due to some inner anxieties I'm working on. But in the end, the decision was actually quite simple; this was an opportunity to be more involved in my daughters education.

At first, I'll admit, my anxiety got the best of me. I went in that classroom and was intimidated by it all: teacher, kids, responsibility, expectations.... But I persevered. Now I go in on a regular basis and have developed a relationship with my daughters teacher that I highly doubt most parents ever obtain. I've been able to see my daughter with her peers and appreciate just how independent she has become.

More than that though, I've benefitted mentally, which is the ultimate goal for most of what I do nowadays. I've proven to myself that I can stand up to my anxieties and insecurities and tackle them one step at a time. I've also developed a good feeling about my ability to have an impact on others lives, no matter how small.

To many people, given the time and opportunity this decision probably seems like a no brainer. But for me and the daily struggles I face, it's a huge step in my journey of self discovery.

The Journey Within...

Who would I like to meet or spend more time with in 2013? Simple: myself.

For the past 10 months I've been peeling back my inner layers to uncover my core. Slowly I've been discovering my true self and learning about who I really I am. To make this process worth it though, I've got to get over my fear of my own mind.

My most recent revelation has been to see how much I hate who I am.

If I am to become a better person, I must learn to like myself... Possibly even come to love who I am someday. While that is far away at this point, to take a step in that direction I must discover what positive qualities I possess. The way to do this is by overcoming the fear of my thoughts and spending time with the REAL Jennifer.

So for 2013 my pledge is meet a new person, because right now Jennifer Lee Yoder is a total stranger. Eventually I hope to know her better than anyone.

My own worst enemy is me....

Unplugged: that's the assignment of this second blog. Sounds simple to most people... I am not most people.

To be frank, this assignment frightens the hell out of me....

Technology does distract us from ourselves; I'm sure many people do need that time to withdraw and relax. Spending time alone with yourself and reflecting can be an amazing adventure... As long as you're the type of person you want to spend solitary time with.

Therein is where my issue lies; I am not that person. Not yet anyways. I'm working on it, but I'm not ready. Spending time alone with my thoughts is a scary and dangerous thing. My thoughts can be vicious, unwanted... And they sometimes lead to self destruction.

Yes technology is a distraction; unnecessary for many. But for me it's a savior ... At least for now. I'm a work in progress, on a long path to redemption; until I reach my destination I'd rather not remove my crutch.

Thirty Two is Like the Worst Idea That I Have Ever Had....

I'm a day behind already, not the best way to get this started!!! 

So the first assignment is to find pictures that represent 2012.  2012 was without a doubt the biggest roller coaster year of my life...There's a lyric in a Paramore song that I love... "Twenty Two is like the worst idea that I have ever had".  For me though, it's "Thirty Two is like the worst Idea that I have ever had"...thus the title of this post....

Love me when I need it most....

Looking at this picture, no one could ever imagine the significance that this moment in time holds.  This was taken January 9, 2012 at Chickies Rock Overlock.  January will forever be remembered for me as the 31 day period that completely turned my life upside down.  I went in the hospital on January 3...The next three days taught me more than any short period of time ever had.  Friends, loved ones, priorities--everything took on a new meaning.  This photo marks the emergence of a new me: the me that many were holding their breath wondering if they would ever see. 

The best things in life....

Beautiful girls in a beautiful place...of course that's what you see!  Maui is more than just exquisite waters, lush rain forests, calming beaches...Maui is my life tether...the place that brings me back no matter what.  July of 2000 I married my soulmate at Makena Beach Cove.  In March of this year I found myself questioning everything about myself; my world had been turned upside down and I had no idea who I really was and where I should be going.  We took our two beautiful daughters to the place where we vowed to be family; bringing them here brought the four of us full circle.  It also was the point I knew that I would find my way.


Letting go is often the hardest part...

Losing someone who is a big part of your life is difficult.  Blaming yourself for their death is unbearable.  I know.  August 2010 I vowed to write a memoir to honor the memory of a friend.  July 2012 I finally made it to the end.  I realized I had been avoiding this moment out of fear of forgetting once the daily reminder no longer lingered..... Knowing that forced me to write the conclusion.  This book is definitely not loved by all who read it, but it's my soul, my memories and my life.  It's the most important words I will ever bare....

Some things never change....

This was taken in October.  Really that bears no signicance.  These two have been in my life for twenty years now.  They are my proof that no matter what, true friends are there.  Sure, it's a cliche, but I don't care.  These two girls have always been there for me, and I have no doubt they always will.  They could care less about my mistakes, my ups and downs...they simply love me for me.  It's rare we find one friend like this in a lifetime...I'm very fortunate to have them.

A Family is a little world created by love...

This photo was taken two weeks ago.  It really doesn't need much explanation.  Earlier in the year I questioned my purpose, my future.  Looking at this brings it in focus; the reason for my existence was always there, I just needed to realize that.